July 30, 2010 § 2 Comments
This month of night float is almost over…THANK GOD!
That lifestyle is for the birds
The things that this schedule has done to my metabolism, mood, waistline, circadian rhythm, personal relationships, work ethic are catastrophic. I have never felt more out of touch with the world, even while I made my monthly cross country treks during my last two years of school.
It’s such a struggle for me to look on the bright side of things right now. I hate seeing these changes in my life. I have been venting non stop to one of my favorite people how my life feels so out of whack right now and how I’m not sure how much more of it I can take – having second thoughts on a daily basis and wishing I had chosen surgery or ER over internal medicine. Dammit, I had the scores (I think). Why did I choose internal medicine out of the fear that I wasn’t cut throat enough to survive a surgical residency or fear that I wouldn’t get interviews? Why didn’t I tell the program director at my ER rotation that I would do anything to switch to his program because it was so strong in both didactic and clinical areas? I’m so damn sensitive. Why the hell did I settle? Maybe these ridiculous questions are just part of this treacherous territory. It’ll most likely all work out in the end…only if I get that cardio fellowship (fingers crossed).
The main goal of this post was to highlight how my body and mind have changed drastically this month. I have to look on the bright side and congratulate myself for the strides I know I’ve made. I started spin class when I knew my stress level was a bit high, fell in love with it and now I can’t get enough. I spin about 3 times a week and I’ve continued my C25K on days opposite spinning, almost right on schedule. That’s pretty stinking good, right? I typically only leave one day out of the week to rest my muscles one weekly. I’m so f^&*ng proud of myself for the determination that takes.
There’s a but….
Despite how much more exercise Im getting and how the scale reassures me that things are going well overall, I still look at my gut and overly large chest in the mirror and wonder why they won’t budge. Aggravation! I have attributed it to a few things, all related to night float (for the most part). I’m not doing nearly as much yoga/pilates as I was during my slightly flatter belly days, not eating on a normal diurnal cycle, and not eating the most of the healthy foods I used to crave – simply because night shift is such an abusive schedule on the body. I used to eat once every three hours and barely ate carbs simply because I didn’t crave them. I would have one of the major meals of the day and creaking it up with a Kind bar, fruit, little yogurt shakes, SOMETHING of substance. I can’t eat on my normal schedule when I’m sleeping at odd times and eating when I can. These days all I crave are bagles, Dunkin’ donuts grilled cheese flatbreads, chocolate, sweet breads, chips and salsa, chinese food, salty, and more chocolate. What the F*** is that about? I suppose my body is just in freak out mode because of the change in cycle – I think that’s why the carbs are being over desired. This is no bueno.
I’m going to attempt to take these changes in stride. It’s OK that I put on pound on this week – after all, the nurses loved working with my co-intern and I so much that both the ICU and the ER had little parties for us. That meant pizza, wings, ice cream cake, garden fresh veggies, homemade brownies/choc chip cookies, and my favorite – cheese and crackers. This, by the way, is an extremely rare thing for nurses to do for interns (so I’ve heard) so I’ll give myself (and my co-intern) a huge pat on the back for keeping the RNs happy. (Plus of the month) It’s OK that I ate that way.
I’ll also have to learn to forget the scale for the time being. I didn’t go for my weigh in this week because I knew what the situation was and I didn’t want to be too much harder on myself. I know what this night-style is doing to me so I’m letting it go. Along those lines, I’ll have to let go the negative feelings I have about my job right now. I think the mental and emotional hardship is part of the game at this point and I have to remember that I’m still learning. I think it’ll all be OK at the end.
My main goal of the week will be to add more of my Yoga or Pilates as my schedule changes to day team, finally. I’ll see how that schedule works out and if I have time for the yoga, I’ll do it; if not, then so be it.
Happy Reading 🙂
June 27, 2010 § 6 Comments
Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the Truman Show. Same thing, day in and day out. I am sitting here yet again, on my little pink exercise ball, typing away with the sound of lawn mowers down the street and splashing from my neighbor’s pool just outside of my window. Prepped dinner, tidied my room a little, and stressed about internship starting this week. Besides that one nagging thought, some of the others running through my head are mostly pointless and fleeting, such as; “hey you know Husband and Wife next door pretty well. Why not just invite yourself over for a swim?” Or “I thought I’d get some more color while I was running, dammit!” Hoping I’m not late for work tomorrow, or, wondering why my raspberry green tea tastes like I drained it out of the men’s urinal of an outhouse. Damn, you crystal light! But the one I’m going to do my best to bore you about is the sense of accomplishment I feel about the way I’ve burned a few calories this week.
Last night I had a little bit of insomnia so I stayed up watching “Losing It” w Jillian. While I find her obnoxious with that weird sense of control and the cheesy way she breaks people down (just to build them back up) I still really enjoyed the show. It’s great how I can watch that show and totally relate; the sense of letting go, having a massive bump in the road that brings you down, ultimate self pity and fear of change and comfort. I got it. Watching the May family struggle their way from heartbreak, loss of control, heart break that the children felt for their mother, actually had ME excited to see their transformation after eight weeks. That was an inspiration. It seriously helped me plow my way through the workout. It was one of those “If they can do it, I can do it” things. Worked – and I feel it in my thighs, but it’s a good feeling.
C25K – week one in rear-view mirror:
I just finished my first week of the C25K program. I was a little nervous about starting to run again after so long but I did it. I was afraid of how my hips, knees and feet would ache, afraid of my shin splints attacking me while I’m busting my ass, or if I’d just not benefit from it at all; maybe staying stagnant in one phase of the program. So far so good; my knees have hurt a little and my shins only develop a slight ache but what I tried training myself to do was focus on my form rather than my fear of pain. As I mentioned in my previous post I’ve been reading a good amount about chi running so as I run i try focusing on my hip/shoulder/clavicle alignment. I might look kind of like an ass while I’m adjusting my form several times mid-run but I kind of don’t care. Being that I’m extremely self-conscious and uber critical of everything I say and do, I had to coach myself a little; a little pep-soliloquy:
- who cares what you look like to Joe Shmo who’s sitting on his front porch slugging down three beers and slobbering on his grease stained shirt. If I’m getting my overweight and unshapely ass out there to teach myself a better way of health then I really shouldn’t care what Mr. Obese thinks about my chameleon form. So what if I look stupid in these positions.
- try your best to ignore the pain. A 5/10 is tolerable but a 10/10 and constant popping is disgusting and I’m going to stop running – and it will be acceptable. I can’t force my overloaded knees to handle this if they’re feeling finicky.
- No excuse to feel tired. Done. I need to move and it’s normal to feel tired during a run.
- push your self-imposed fatigue limits. If Jillian can make a 350 lb man who hasn’t exercised in 15 years run and dance, I better not get lazy and give up on myself. Not acceptable.
- And finally, refrain from belting out to “Bad Romance” in public. Not cool.
- FOCUS ON FORM!
With all of those little bits of self encouragement I started day three of week one. Can’t lie that I wasn’t tired, but man it felt good to push myself to run quicker when I felt my shins act up and when I felt tired. I’ve never really done that before. Run through shin splints? yes. But run through fatigue? No. That was pretty awesome. I think it helped that I was listening to “Krazy” by Pit Bull at the time, but whatever…I felt bad ass!
I suppose I should pose a question or two. Things I’m trying to figure out just to compare and contrast my newbie running experiences with others:
(1) How do you guys work past your leg fatigue and/or pain when you run (dare I ask about shin splints?)? I’m only asking to make sure that I’m not just needlessly harping on the fear of leg pain that I feel. And no smart-ass comments about seeing my doctor lol.
(2) how much fatigue is “normal”, especially for a beginner who is in pretty decent cardiovascular shape? Is that a dumb question? Any marathoners or daily runners who can share their experience? Also, this may sound really weird, but where do you “feel” your fatigue the most (especially the type that makes you stop running)? Is it mainly in your breathing, your chest as a whole, whole body, or legs/feet?
(3) what keeps your running?
Thanks for reading!
Happy running 🙂
June 22, 2010 § 3 Comments
What the hell, my muffin top is back!
I have no idea where my motivation to exercise disappeared to! I was doing really well when I had a goal in mind. I wanted to be in the best shape I could be before going to FL for graduation but now the event has passed. TWENTY EIGHT pounds down and I gave up after proving to myself that I was awesome enough to be healthy. Now what? I feel so hypocritical starting a fitness blog but not having the motivation to exercise at all. Haven’t even gone for a walk until today. It’s been two weeks and I’ve only worked out THREE times. T-H-R-E-E! I’ve noticed a bit of a pudge re-developing around my belly and arms.I’ve noticed that my weight is continuing to drop but I think this is mainly from muscle loss (possibly?). Yikes-o-rama! Well, maybe it’s also because I reduced my points allowance knowing that I was in no mood to exercise. No Bueno. This is not shaping up to be a very peppy, positive entry.
I keep trying to be mindful of the need to take care of myself before I care for patients but, man, this is tough! My exercise was my haven – my little place to run, hide and feel like a new person. I think this will be a good motivator to get my ass in gear and away from the computer.
This hot and humid weather isn’t helping…I love being in the sunshine but cannot tolerate the heat. Exercising in the fresh air is the best but i get pretty cranky when I feel drained from the humidity. I drink plenty of cold water and carry it with me but that doesn’t seem to cut it. I know it’s not my thyroid, it can’t be – because I said so… 😦
I recently connceted with a lovely fellow-tweeter who began C25K so maybe this will be my motivation to get back out there. I notice that if I keep a particular event in mind (such as a wedding) , I’m more apt to work towards the goal and succeed. I have a wedding coming up in a few weeks. That’s it. I’m gonna be a hot-mama by then. DONE.
I think I need a few reminders about this goal and how important it is to feel good while I’m there, comfortable in my dress and on the dance floor….not sitting by the dessert table.Speaking of which, my appetite is also on fire (again, I refuse to blame my thyroid.. this is summer heat and laziness…NOT a medical problem. -which i must remind myself often being that sometimes an education can be a deadly thing). I’ve been noticing that I have been way aboive my daily points allowance these past two weeks; summer parties, BBQ’s, MexiFests, Boozefests, birthday parties, having a kitchen again. It’s been a rough start to summer health thus far! I’ve consumed many points via beer and fattening dips, which is totally OK, but I need to moderate a bit better. It’s OK. I keep telling myself that I’ll get back in gear.
I’m also going to look for a few motivational quotes, write them on little post-it notes, and make sure I see them when I get home from work or head to the fridge. It’s a plan.
How do you all keep your self motivated to exercise?