For the Birds

July 30, 2010 § 2 Comments

This month of night float is almost over…THANK GOD!

That lifestyle is for the birds

The things that this schedule has done to my metabolism, mood, waistline, circadian rhythm, personal relationships, work ethic are catastrophic.  I have never felt more out of touch with the world, even while I made my monthly cross country treks during my last two years of school.

It’s such a struggle for me to look on the bright side of things right now.  I hate seeing these changes in my life.  I have been venting non stop to one of my favorite people how my life feels so out of whack right now and how I’m not sure how much more of it I can take – having second thoughts on a daily basis and wishing I had chosen surgery or ER over internal medicine.  Dammit, I had the scores (I think).  Why did I choose internal medicine out of the fear that I wasn’t cut throat enough to survive a surgical residency or fear that I wouldn’t get interviews? Why didn’t I tell the program director at my ER rotation that I would do anything to switch to his program because it was so strong in both didactic and clinical areas? I’m so damn sensitive.  Why the hell did I settle? Maybe these ridiculous questions are just part of this treacherous territory. It’ll most likely all work out in the end…only if I get that cardio fellowship (fingers crossed).

The main goal of this post was to highlight how my body and mind have changed drastically this month.  I have to look on the bright side and congratulate myself for the strides I know I’ve made.  I started spin class when I knew my stress level was a bit high, fell in love with it and now I can’t get enough.  I  spin about 3 times a week and I’ve continued my C25K on days opposite spinning, almost right on schedule. That’s pretty stinking good, right?  I typically only leave one day out of the week to rest my muscles one weekly.  I’m so f^&*ng proud of myself for the determination that takes.

There’s a but….

Despite how much more exercise Im getting and how the scale reassures me that things are going well overall, I still look at my gut and overly large chest in the mirror and wonder why they won’t budge.  Aggravation!  I have attributed it to a few things, all related to night float (for the most part). I’m not doing nearly as much yoga/pilates as I was during my slightly flatter belly days, not eating on a normal diurnal cycle, and not eating the most of the healthy foods I used to crave – simply because night shift is such an abusive schedule on the body.  I used to eat once every three hours and barely ate carbs simply because I didn’t crave them.  I would have one of the major meals of the day and creaking it up with a Kind bar, fruit, little yogurt shakes, SOMETHING of substance.  I can’t eat on my normal schedule when I’m sleeping at odd times and eating when I can.  These days all I crave are bagles, Dunkin’ donuts grilled cheese flatbreads, chocolate, sweet breads, chips and salsa, chinese food, salty, and more chocolate.  What the F*** is that about?  I suppose my body is just in freak out mode because of the change in cycle – I think that’s why the carbs are being over desired.  This is no bueno.

so….

I’m going to attempt to take these changes in stride.  It’s OK that I put on pound on this week – after all, the nurses loved working with my co-intern and I so much that both the ICU and the ER had little parties for us. That meant pizza, wings, ice cream cake, garden fresh veggies, homemade brownies/choc chip cookies, and my favorite – cheese and crackers.  This, by the way, is an extremely rare thing for nurses to do for interns (so I’ve heard) so I’ll give myself (and my co-intern) a huge pat on the back for keeping the RNs happy. (Plus of the month) It’s OK that I ate that way.

I’ll also have to learn to forget the scale for the time being.  I didn’t go for my weigh in this week because I knew what the situation was and I didn’t want to be too much harder on myself.  I know what this night-style is doing to me so I’m letting it go. Along those lines, I’ll have to let go the negative feelings I have about my job right now.  I think the mental and emotional hardship is part of the game at this point and I have to remember that I’m still learning.  I think it’ll all be OK at the end.

My main goal of the week will be to add more of my Yoga or Pilates as my schedule changes to day team, finally.  I’ll see how that schedule works out and if I have time for the yoga, I’ll do it; if not, then so be it.

Happy Reading 🙂

I am what I eat

July 11, 2010 § 5 Comments

Gross

I feel so gross.  Residency finally started and I’m working night float so that means I’m not really eating much because I’ve never been a night eater, right? I thought that when I shifted my sleep schedule that I’d also eat much less  and I’d be busy enough to stave off cravings.  I couldn’t have been further off.  The only accurate part is that I’m not, or at least I didn’t think I was, a nighttime snacker.   Working nights has made me soft, literally.  Some how I’m hungry every hour. I have been trying to stick within my WW points and pack little 4-point almond butter and banana sandwiches, apple, greek yogurt with granola and fruit, and by sticking to my all bran in the AM.  I have even stuck with my eating every three hours rule and have an eating schedule planned out in my head.  None of this is helping.  For some reason I’ve re-developed my love handles and my abdomen looks like something I’ve only come across on maternity units.  My measured weight is actually continuing to decrease while my image in the mirror is NOT what is was when I graduated last month.

I’ve been eating so much more…and not just when I’m at work, it’s mainly when I wake up in the afternoon. I’ve completely let myself go to the point I had TacoBell two times last week while hanging out with the little bad influence Runt-my sister.  I hadn’t touched bad-for-you-nutrient-deplete fast food in months. MONTHS.  Then she introduced me to the crunch wrap supreme. 12 fucking points.  12!!!!! Mind you, this was at 1 a.m. It’s been downhill from there.  I had tiramisu, went to a wedding and had cake and a cannoli, multiple sweet mixed drinks, I’ve even gone back for more TacoBell.

I miss my last few months of people making fun of me for eating so healthfully and for my self-control around desserts/junk at work.  I’ve never had control like that before.  As much as I say I want to get back where I was with my self control i feel like it won’t be as easy this time because i don’t have a particular goal.  Last time it was that I didn’t want my classmates seeing me as a fatty at graduation.  I haven’t been able to find a new short term fitness goal.  I know this is what works best for me.

The only thing I’ve go going for me lately is that I’ve been exercising A LOT lately.  I’ve been doubling up on spin and running; a little speed-junkie I guess.  The only thing I really miss is my hot yoga… and I guess pilates.  I’m pretty sure those were the two things that really helped me tighten up and tone…the only issue is that I can’t afford the Bikram anymore and I have no patience for pilates.  It’s just not what I need these days.  I’ve got to get back into it.

I need some tips and encouragement/motivation ASAP.

happy Eating…. 🙂

Where’s my MoJo?

June 22, 2010 § 3 Comments

What the hell, my muffin top is back!

I have no idea where my motivation to exercise disappeared to!  I was doing really well when I had a goal in mind.  I wanted to be in the best shape I could be before going to FL for graduation but now the event has passed. TWENTY EIGHT pounds down and I gave up after proving to myself that I was awesome enough to be healthy.  Now what? I feel so hypocritical starting a fitness blog but not having the motivation to exercise at all.  Haven’t even gone for a walk until today.  It’s been two weeks and I’ve only worked out THREE times.  T-H-R-E-E!  I’ve noticed a bit of a pudge re-developing around my belly and arms.I’ve noticed that my weight is continuing to drop but I think this is mainly from muscle loss (possibly?). Yikes-o-rama!  Well, maybe it’s also because I reduced my points allowance knowing that I was in no mood to exercise.  No Bueno. This is not shaping up to be a very peppy, positive entry.

I keep trying to be mindful of the need to take care of myself before I care for patients but, man, this is tough!  My exercise was my haven – my little place to run, hide and feel like a new person.  I think this will be a good motivator to get my ass in gear and away from the computer.

This hot and humid weather isn’t helping…I love being in the sunshine but cannot tolerate the heat. Exercising in the fresh air is the best but i get pretty cranky when I feel drained from the humidity.  I drink plenty of cold water and carry it with me but that doesn’t seem to cut it.  I know it’s not my thyroid, it can’t be – because I said so… 😦

I recently connceted with a lovely fellow-tweeter who began C25K so maybe this will be my motivation to get back out there. I notice that if I keep a particular event in mind (such as a wedding) , I’m more apt to work towards the goal and succeed.  I have a wedding coming up in a few weeks.  That’s it.  I’m gonna be a hot-mama by then. DONE.

I think I need a few reminders about this goal and how important it is to feel good while I’m there, comfortable in my dress and on the dance floor….not sitting by the dessert table.Speaking of which, my appetite is also on fire (again, I refuse to blame my thyroid.. this is summer heat and laziness…NOT a medical problem. -which i must remind myself often being that sometimes an education can be a deadly thing).  I’ve been noticing that I have been way aboive my daily points allowance these past two weeks; summer parties, BBQ’s, MexiFests, Boozefests, birthday parties, having a kitchen again. It’s been a rough start to summer health thus far!  I’ve consumed many points via beer and fattening dips, which is totally OK, but I need to moderate a bit better.  It’s OK.  I keep telling myself that I’ll get back in gear.

I’m also going to look for a few motivational quotes, write them on little post-it notes, and make sure I see them when I get home from work or head to the fridge.  It’s a plan.

How do you all keep your self motivated to exercise?

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