September 26, 2012 § 5 Comments
I have a wedding dress that I have to fit my ass into in just EIGHT short months!!!! YIKES!!!
The last time I blogged I was adamant that I had established a sound plan and that I was determined to lose weight for my wedding. I failed. I tried making the little “to-do” boxes that work so well for me in other aspects of my life. They worked for a while but I got tired of working out. It made me so tired. What was happening? I usually feel so good after a good work out, so why do I feel completely run down and lifeless now? I may never know the answer, but I know I still have that awful feeling. So long story short, I’ve actually GAINED several pounds on top of the mound that i weighed already. Makes me so unhappy.
I feel like shit. plain old shit. I feel like a failure everyday. And what’s not so interesting is that I feel like that at work, too. Clearly, my major depression is back and this time it’s BAD.
I saw these changes in my mood, behavior, and saw that I was just falling apart. I’m up one whole dress size and essentially back where I was when I started my weight loss journey in March of 2010. I feel disgusting. Only failures let this happen to themselves, I thought.
I am on vacation and decided to work on the depression and spend more time reading about POSITIVITY. In addition, my new therapist has given me an excellent book that I’ve been working through, which is chock full of life learning points that he actually reinforces in my sessions. I know these changes take MONTHS but I’m ready to clear the fog and make way for brighter days. I’m so tired of feeling pity, feeling angry, being a slug, feeling like a nothing, and perpetually feeling like a failure at everything I do. I know a large part of this is my depression and another part of the proverbial pie is that i’m NOT EXERCISING. I’m not giving myself time to clear my mind. I’m not giving myself time to enjoy the air, wind, colors, and smells of my favorite time of year. I’m not giving myself precious ME time. I’m spending days on my couch waiting for motivation to strike. Motivation’s not gonna strike if I’m comfortable. I’m breaking out of my comfortable shell.
Just yesterday I was at my wits end. I was feeling hopeless about my lack of motivation and I reached out to a few twitter supports, and here’s the advice I got…..
@MSFitMint I attribute getting active to curing my lifelong depression. Activity helps your mood/mental state so much. It’s my therapy
THE COMMON DENOMINATOR HERE:
Put on your clothes and start!!!!
That’s all I freaking need to do! I need to throw my clothes on and get out of the door. No more dwelling about who will make dinner, how hot and sweaty I’ll get, how tired I’ll feel, how long I’ll be out and will this leave me with enough time to read for work. None of that crap has helped me. I seriously need to get my shit together and take care of myself because no one else will. I can’t expect health and fitness to fall into my lap, or for my depression to magically disappear. It just won’t.