Up Again

October 22, 2012 § 2 Comments

This week I did an experiment.  I tracked with an App called ‘Lose It’ as well as Weight Watchers.

‘Lose It’ counts calories only. In and out.  Simple math.  I’ve been on weight watchers since March and have been terribly unsuccessful at it, GAINING seven pounds since I restarted.  I thought maybe I was eating far too many calories, as WW essentially has me on an 1800 calorie/day regimen.  On Lose It, I entered a few body stats, weight, how much I wanted to lose and over specified time span of about six months, and it calculated that i should have approximately 1500 calories/day.  I bought a food scale and had at it this week. I tracked everything I ate on both WW and the new app.  I was just at goal with Lose It but OVER on WW.  This was SO frustrating.  Eating 1500 calories yet WW tells me I’m eating TOO much.  Many factors are involved here, and as WW makes it a point to stress, it’s not about the calories, it’s what’s in the calories.

So Friday morning was my moment of truth.  I was so excited because I felt so much better, having maintained 1500 calories and weighed portions, etc.  My weigh in: GAINED ONE pound!!!!!!

Weigh-in on 10/12/12:

weight: 181.8 lbs

Weigh-in on 10/19/12:

+ 1.0 lbs ; 182.8lbs

Seriously?? Insert any and all profanities in the English language.  All of them!

So what did I do? I lost it.  Directly afterwards I went to Dunkin’ donuts and bought a giant fucking bagel with a slab of cream cheese and ate it on the way to a meeting.  I inhaled it in less than 5 min.  Also out of protest, I bought a small coffee.  Then at the meeting, I had two small lattes with an extra shot of espresso.  Later that night Zach and I went to dinner.  I didn’t care what I ate.  I ate two dinner rolls and slathered on the butter.  After dinner we went to a friends out and out of sheer anger, not even hunger, ate two pieces of pizza, a small piece of baklava, and a cookie of some sort.  I didn’t even care what i ate, i just wanted to eat.  Simply out of anger.  This weekend was no better. In fact it was terrible.  Zach and I went apple picking and bought a dozen sugar cider donuts.  I came home, literally muttered the words “fuck you” to the bag of donuts and proceeded to eat about three of them.  Sunday, I ate anything I could get my hands on.  I thought, hey, if i’m gonna try my hardest and that’s not good enough, then why try at all.

What a shit fest.  It’s obvious that I’m not a person who handles failures/set backs well at all.  I literally protested my own body. Couldn’t fall asleep for the past two nights because I hate myself for failing at so many things.  The one thing I have control over in my life; my appetite and what I shove down my gullet, is where I feel a total lack of control.  Major let down.  I cried myself to sleep last night because yes, now, again, i feel sorry for myself.  I woke up this morning with swollen eyes and a terrible mood, all because of food and one pound weight gain.  I will not speculate where this one pound came from, whether i was “starving myself” with a calorie restriction, whether it was muscle gain from exercise, etc.  I’m not meeting my goals and it’s killing me.

I honestly have no goals this week other than to track with WW only.  It’s the very best I can do.


§ 2 Responses to Up Again

  • Emily says:

    I have struggled with a lot of the same issues that you do and I was on weight watchers for a little under two years and lost about 30 pounds. I hit this plateau though because I found that while Weight Watchers is great if you need some extra help keeping track of your food, it really wasn’t getting to the core of my own food issues with binging. I’ve recently started seeing a food therapist instead and while I can’t say the pounds are shedding off, therapy is something that is definitely necessary for me to move on and get past the “weight.” My therapist recommended this amazing book called The Rules of “Normal” Eating by Koeing, and its really helped me to discover what the root of my food issues are and why I act the way I do with food sometimes. Good luck, it’s a tough road ahead but you can do it!

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