What the F*** is “Wedding Day Shape”?
October 15, 2012 § 1 Comment
Had my weigh-in on Friday and had 0.0 loss. Maintained which is better than a gain, right?
I’ve had many thoughts and i’m actually someone who obsesses about my weight but obsesses to no avail. I freak out about it so much that i can’t take action. I know a HUGE part is my depression and difficulty with motivation, but I think there’s another component here that’s worth delving into.
With the wedding coming up in a few short months, my family has been putting huge pressure on me to lose weight (not helpful or encouraging). I got into an awful argument with my dad about this the other day. If you’ve read my introductory post you’ll notice that my dad has been on my ass about losing weight for years. He was so excited when I lost 40 lbs in 2010. We were hanging out and he reminded me that I was getting married and that I should lose weight FOR THE WEDDING. I was so angry…why do i need to lose weight for A WEDDING? Because people will be looking at me? Because I won’t look pretty in my dress? Because Zach won’t love me if I remain this heavy? Because I’ll look like I don’t care about my body if I’m large? Because my friends and family won’t have fun at my wedding if i’m fat? Because the first dance will be less romantic between zach and i if i’m fat? because my grandmother will not travel from London if i’m this big? Because I won’t be a good wife? None of these are rational reasons for me to lose weight FOR MY WEDDING. Honestly. Why do people say that you have to get in ‘wedding day shape”? What the fuck is wedding day shape? If I get a solid definition I’ll work towards it. I’ll tell you what it means to me right now…CURVY and healthy.
My dad’s words really hit me. Later that night they screamed at me for eating a piece of chocolate cake. The words were, ‘you’re getting married. Why aren’t you being more careful about what you’re eating?” I became a teenager all over again and justified my behavior. I have fallen so deep into the idea that i need to lose weight for this day, but I just find it not to be a motivator. Seriously, i’m more excited for my wedding than I have been for anything, even more so than med school graduation. But losing weight for my wedding, meh, not so much. Zach will love me just the same. He will continue to tell me that i’m beautiful every day, as he does now. Getting someone to work out and lose weight should be an encouraging process, with rational reasons, and positive reinforcement. This crap about losing weight for one momentous day is useless and will not work for me.
It makes me sick to realize how motivated I was to lose weight in 2010. It was March and I had three months to lose weight before med school graduation – which was when i was going to see my asshole ex-boyfriend and his new fiance. He seemed to be doing well in life and I was dammed if i would let him see me continually growing horizontally, looking pathetic. I lost the weight. I was still terribly insecure and needed to use my weight to prove that i had control in my life when i felt i had none. To show him that i was OK without him. Its so bizarre to me that i would not be as motivated to lose weight for my own wedding like i was for that piece of shit but the difference is clear. I know zach loves me with all that he has, and he has a lot. He shows me daily. I’m not concerned about his affection, attraction, and love. I know it’s all there. This is the most secure i’ve ever been in a relationship.
The reason i bring this personal crap up is because I spend every day trying to convince morbidly obese people, diabetics, hypertensives, and slugs, to lose weight. I’ve never told a patient they need to lose weight for their wedding, their graduation, or mitzvah. There’s a clear medical reason for it. INTRAABDOMINAL FAT. It will kill you. It will kill me. The shitty part is that it will kill me before it kills a person with hypertension. Being depressed is a hyper-stressed state that increases cortisol which by multiple metabolic pathways increases intraabdominal fat, increases my risk of diabetes, hypertension, worsening depression, heart disease, and a nasty cycle. I shouldn’t be losing weight for my wedding. I should be losing weight so i reduce my intraabdominal fat. This mental mind fucking by others’ encouraging me to lose weight for my wedding is complete nonsense – i need to remind myself that my risk of diabetes and its sequelae are just as real to me as they are to my patients. I need to keep my health as my motivator, not my wedding. It will be fabulous to look like a million bucks in my wedding gown but it will feel better if i live 20 years longer and have that much more time to enjoy time with my zachary and our family. The wedding is one day, that is all.
my goal for this week is to cut my WW points. I know i’m always hungry but i think they have me on too many points. I think i need a 1500 cal diet rather than 1800. Worked out 2 days last week and i felt good about it. Hopefully this week I’ll fit in one more.