Starting Over. Again.

September 26, 2012 § 5 Comments

I have a wedding dress that I have to fit my ass into in  just EIGHT short months!!!! YIKES!!!

The last time I blogged I was adamant that I had established a sound plan and that I was determined to lose weight for my wedding.  I failed.  I tried making the little “to-do” boxes that work so well for me in other aspects of my life.  They worked for a while but I got tired of working out.  It made me so tired.  What was happening?  I usually feel so good after a good work out, so why do I feel completely run down and lifeless now?  I may never know the answer, but I know I still have that awful feeling.  So long story short, I’ve actually GAINED several pounds on top of the mound that i weighed already. Makes me so unhappy.

I feel like shit. plain old shit. I feel like a failure everyday. And what’s not so interesting is that I feel like that at work, too.  Clearly, my major depression is back and this time it’s BAD.

I saw these changes in my mood, behavior, and saw that I was just falling apart.  I’m up one whole dress size and essentially back where I was when I started my weight loss journey in March of 2010.  I feel disgusting. Only failures let this happen to themselves, I thought.

I am on vacation and decided to work on the depression and spend more time reading about POSITIVITY.  In addition, my new therapist has given me an excellent book that I’ve been working through, which is chock full of life learning points that he actually reinforces in my sessions.  I know these changes take MONTHS but I’m ready to clear the fog and make way for brighter days.  I’m so tired of feeling pity, feeling angry, being a slug, feeling like a nothing, and perpetually feeling like a failure at everything I do.  I know a large part of this is my depression and another part of the proverbial pie is that i’m NOT EXERCISING.  I’m not giving myself time to clear my mind.  I’m not giving myself time to enjoy the air, wind, colors, and smells of my favorite time of year.  I’m not giving myself precious ME time. I’m spending days on my couch waiting for motivation to strike.  Motivation’s not gonna strike if I’m comfortable.  I’m breaking out of my comfortable shell.

Just yesterday I was at my wits end.  I was feeling hopeless about my lack of motivation and I reached out to a few twitter supports, and here’s the advice I got…..

Alan ‏@sweating_it_off :@MSFitMint if you want to talk it out let me know, we can Skype or google hangout or something

  @MSFitMint I know it hard, especially when feeling depressed. Often times I try no to “think” about working out I just get dressed and head out the door and hope for the best.

@MSFitMint No planned mileage or plan to run. Just walk. & if I run a little, so be it.

Susan @SuziStorm : @MSFitMint My therapist last night told me to put on my running clothes & go for a WALK.

  

@MSFitMint for me doing something I love (water exercise) is key! Its therapy for my body & mind!

@MSFitMint I attribute getting active to curing my lifelong depression. Activity helps your mood/mental state so much. It’s my therapy

 Sheryl Yvette ‏@bitchcakesny : @MSFitMint The toughest part is getting dressed. Srsly. Put on your clothes and start. You *will* feel better for having done it

THE COMMON DENOMINATOR HERE: 

Put on your clothes and start!!!!

That’s all I freaking need to do! I need to throw my clothes on and get out of the door.  No more dwelling about who will make dinner, how hot and sweaty I’ll get, how tired I’ll feel, how long I’ll be out and will this leave me with enough time to read for work. None of that crap has helped me.  I seriously need to get my shit together and take care of myself because no one else will.  I can’t expect health and fitness to fall into my lap, or for my depression to magically disappear.  It just won’t.

Another list of things I need to do while I’m on an easier month of residency:
1. get weighed in EVERY SATURDAY, no exceptions.  Things will change with my next rotation but that’s okay. I’ll find another day and it’s okay if I don’t go on the same day every week.  As long as I put my clothes on and show up. To keep myself accountable I will post a blog update with each weigh in, regardless of what the scale says.
2. cut out coffee.  First of all it’s disgusting. I drink it for social reasons.  I love walking into starbucks but I actually cannot tolerate the taste of their burnt coffee.  I do, however, enjoy the green tea lattes. I will get one occasionally, and allow myself to sweeten it. No more coffee. Not even from Dunkin’.
3. I really need to get dressed and walk three times per week.  I will come up with some sort of reward system for myself if i do this. Manicure, pedicure, etc, at the end of the week.
4. I really need to, and will, limit my sweets. At least one small amount per day is okay and is healthy.
5. continue tracking on weightwatchers
6. yoga or meditation at least once per week
I really think these are doable.  I wish my blog was more popular so there was more accountability to the masses, but so be it.  I need to make myself a happier, healthier person.  I can’t keep on with the incessant cycles of guilt and self pity. Time for some action.
Finally, a HUGE thank you to the twitter folks who helped me out the other day.
-M
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