For the Birds

July 30, 2010 § 2 Comments

This month of night float is almost over…THANK GOD!

That lifestyle is for the birds

The things that this schedule has done to my metabolism, mood, waistline, circadian rhythm, personal relationships, work ethic are catastrophic.  I have never felt more out of touch with the world, even while I made my monthly cross country treks during my last two years of school.

It’s such a struggle for me to look on the bright side of things right now.  I hate seeing these changes in my life.  I have been venting non stop to one of my favorite people how my life feels so out of whack right now and how I’m not sure how much more of it I can take – having second thoughts on a daily basis and wishing I had chosen surgery or ER over internal medicine.  Dammit, I had the scores (I think).  Why did I choose internal medicine out of the fear that I wasn’t cut throat enough to survive a surgical residency or fear that I wouldn’t get interviews? Why didn’t I tell the program director at my ER rotation that I would do anything to switch to his program because it was so strong in both didactic and clinical areas? I’m so damn sensitive.  Why the hell did I settle? Maybe these ridiculous questions are just part of this treacherous territory. It’ll most likely all work out in the end…only if I get that cardio fellowship (fingers crossed).

The main goal of this post was to highlight how my body and mind have changed drastically this month.  I have to look on the bright side and congratulate myself for the strides I know I’ve made.  I started spin class when I knew my stress level was a bit high, fell in love with it and now I can’t get enough.  I  spin about 3 times a week and I’ve continued my C25K on days opposite spinning, almost right on schedule. That’s pretty stinking good, right?  I typically only leave one day out of the week to rest my muscles one weekly.  I’m so f^&*ng proud of myself for the determination that takes.

There’s a but….

Despite how much more exercise Im getting and how the scale reassures me that things are going well overall, I still look at my gut and overly large chest in the mirror and wonder why they won’t budge.  Aggravation!  I have attributed it to a few things, all related to night float (for the most part). I’m not doing nearly as much yoga/pilates as I was during my slightly flatter belly days, not eating on a normal diurnal cycle, and not eating the most of the healthy foods I used to crave – simply because night shift is such an abusive schedule on the body.  I used to eat once every three hours and barely ate carbs simply because I didn’t crave them.  I would have one of the major meals of the day and creaking it up with a Kind bar, fruit, little yogurt shakes, SOMETHING of substance.  I can’t eat on my normal schedule when I’m sleeping at odd times and eating when I can.  These days all I crave are bagles, Dunkin’ donuts grilled cheese flatbreads, chocolate, sweet breads, chips and salsa, chinese food, salty, and more chocolate.  What the F*** is that about?  I suppose my body is just in freak out mode because of the change in cycle – I think that’s why the carbs are being over desired.  This is no bueno.

so….

I’m going to attempt to take these changes in stride.  It’s OK that I put on pound on this week – after all, the nurses loved working with my co-intern and I so much that both the ICU and the ER had little parties for us. That meant pizza, wings, ice cream cake, garden fresh veggies, homemade brownies/choc chip cookies, and my favorite – cheese and crackers.  This, by the way, is an extremely rare thing for nurses to do for interns (so I’ve heard) so I’ll give myself (and my co-intern) a huge pat on the back for keeping the RNs happy. (Plus of the month) It’s OK that I ate that way.

I’ll also have to learn to forget the scale for the time being.  I didn’t go for my weigh in this week because I knew what the situation was and I didn’t want to be too much harder on myself.  I know what this night-style is doing to me so I’m letting it go. Along those lines, I’ll have to let go the negative feelings I have about my job right now.  I think the mental and emotional hardship is part of the game at this point and I have to remember that I’m still learning.  I think it’ll all be OK at the end.

My main goal of the week will be to add more of my Yoga or Pilates as my schedule changes to day team, finally.  I’ll see how that schedule works out and if I have time for the yoga, I’ll do it; if not, then so be it.

Happy Reading 🙂

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§ 2 Responses to For the Birds

  • westem says:

    Thank you for the mention! I think you look really great right now. Stay strong!

  • Emily says:

    You would have to be super human in order to survive night float plus exercise plus have perfect eating. Since I know you’re not likely a unicorn, you need to cut yourself some slack! Seriously. Stand up and be PROUD at what you’re accomplishing. You’re taking on much more than many people do, and you can’t always be 100% perfect all the time (this coming from a perfectionist). Be conscious of the choices you’re making, but allow yourself a little forgiveness if all doesn’t go exactly as planned.

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