Rollercoaster. of Weight.

October 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

Last week I performed an unsuccessful experiment; tracked on both WW and Lose It. I didn’t lose anything other than my patience yet again.  This past week i kept it together and had an easier week tracking.  I did go over points (-12) for the week and I’m accepting of it.  I planned most of my meals for work – including snacks which i ended up not eating because of a super hefty patient load.  My meal lans were derailed 2 times when two colleagues asked me out on a lunch date. who am i to say no? We went to a wonderful little italian Deli – I wish i could display the menu options.  It was as if we’d stepped into the kitchen of a little old italian grandma who happened to be a former chef.  Neatly prepared, multiple options, amazing aroma, not a single healthy option though.  Everything on the menu board was laden with mozz.  Salad descriptions sounded okay but i’d have to ask them to hold like five things from each  – i don’t eat peppers, olives, etc…so I got a (wild guess) 23PP chicken cutlet panini without cheese.  That turned into an almost daily trip for us girls but we hit up different eateries for a quick and not so healthy bite.

Weight last week: 182.8

This week: 181.4 lbs

loss: -1.4

i keep playing around with this 1.4 lbs but i’m happy i’ve lost it this week.

I think a few things I’ll do this week is continue to add more vegetables to my lunches which typically have none.  Zach has been loving my healthier dinners so that will also continue, and i’ll make another batch of roasted vegetables tomorrow to last the next few days. He loved that, and so did my muffin top.

I’ve also purchased Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred that i’m going to try to combine with the elliptical.


Up Again

October 22, 2012 § 2 Comments

This week I did an experiment.  I tracked with an App called ‘Lose It’ as well as Weight Watchers.

‘Lose It’ counts calories only. In and out.  Simple math.  I’ve been on weight watchers since March and have been terribly unsuccessful at it, GAINING seven pounds since I restarted.  I thought maybe I was eating far too many calories, as WW essentially has me on an 1800 calorie/day regimen.  On Lose It, I entered a few body stats, weight, how much I wanted to lose and over specified time span of about six months, and it calculated that i should have approximately 1500 calories/day.  I bought a food scale and had at it this week. I tracked everything I ate on both WW and the new app.  I was just at goal with Lose It but OVER on WW.  This was SO frustrating.  Eating 1500 calories yet WW tells me I’m eating TOO much.  Many factors are involved here, and as WW makes it a point to stress, it’s not about the calories, it’s what’s in the calories.

So Friday morning was my moment of truth.  I was so excited because I felt so much better, having maintained 1500 calories and weighed portions, etc.  My weigh in: GAINED ONE pound!!!!!!

Weigh-in on 10/12/12:

weight: 181.8 lbs

Weigh-in on 10/19/12:

+ 1.0 lbs ; 182.8lbs

Seriously?? Insert any and all profanities in the English language.  All of them!

So what did I do? I lost it.  Directly afterwards I went to Dunkin’ donuts and bought a giant fucking bagel with a slab of cream cheese and ate it on the way to a meeting.  I inhaled it in less than 5 min.  Also out of protest, I bought a small coffee.  Then at the meeting, I had two small lattes with an extra shot of espresso.  Later that night Zach and I went to dinner.  I didn’t care what I ate.  I ate two dinner rolls and slathered on the butter.  After dinner we went to a friends out and out of sheer anger, not even hunger, ate two pieces of pizza, a small piece of baklava, and a cookie of some sort.  I didn’t even care what i ate, i just wanted to eat.  Simply out of anger.  This weekend was no better. In fact it was terrible.  Zach and I went apple picking and bought a dozen sugar cider donuts.  I came home, literally muttered the words “fuck you” to the bag of donuts and proceeded to eat about three of them.  Sunday, I ate anything I could get my hands on.  I thought, hey, if i’m gonna try my hardest and that’s not good enough, then why try at all.

What a shit fest.  It’s obvious that I’m not a person who handles failures/set backs well at all.  I literally protested my own body. Couldn’t fall asleep for the past two nights because I hate myself for failing at so many things.  The one thing I have control over in my life; my appetite and what I shove down my gullet, is where I feel a total lack of control.  Major let down.  I cried myself to sleep last night because yes, now, again, i feel sorry for myself.  I woke up this morning with swollen eyes and a terrible mood, all because of food and one pound weight gain.  I will not speculate where this one pound came from, whether i was “starving myself” with a calorie restriction, whether it was muscle gain from exercise, etc.  I’m not meeting my goals and it’s killing me.

I honestly have no goals this week other than to track with WW only.  It’s the very best I can do.

What the F*** is “Wedding Day Shape”?

October 15, 2012 § 1 Comment

Had my weigh-in on Friday and had 0.0 loss.  Maintained which is better than a gain, right?

I’ve had many thoughts and i’m actually someone who obsesses about my weight but obsesses to no avail. I freak out about it so much that i can’t take action.  I know a HUGE part is my depression and difficulty with motivation, but I think there’s another component here that’s worth delving into.

With the wedding coming up in a few short months, my family has been putting huge pressure on me to lose weight (not helpful or encouraging).  I got into an awful argument with my dad about this the other day.  If you’ve read my introductory post you’ll notice that my dad has been on my ass about losing weight for years.  He was so excited when I lost 40 lbs in 2010.  We were hanging out and he reminded me that I was getting married and that I should lose weight FOR THE WEDDING.  I was so angry…why do i need to lose weight for A WEDDING?  Because people will be looking at me? Because I won’t look pretty in my dress?  Because Zach won’t love me if I remain this heavy?  Because I’ll look like I don’t care about my body if I’m large?  Because my friends and family won’t have fun at my wedding if i’m fat?  Because the first dance will be less romantic between zach and i if i’m fat?  because my grandmother will not travel from London if i’m this big? Because I won’t be a good wife?  None of these are rational reasons for me to lose weight FOR MY WEDDING. Honestly.  Why do people say that you have to get in ‘wedding day shape”?  What the fuck is wedding day shape?  If I get a solid definition I’ll work towards it.  I’ll tell you what it means to me right now…CURVY and healthy.

My dad’s words really hit me.  Later that night they screamed at me for eating a piece of chocolate cake.  The words were, ‘you’re getting married.  Why aren’t you being more careful about what you’re eating?”  I became a teenager all over again and justified my behavior.  I have fallen so deep into the idea that i need to lose weight for this day, but I just find it not to be a motivator.  Seriously, i’m more excited for my wedding than I have been for anything, even more so than med school graduation.  But losing weight for my wedding, meh, not so much.   Zach will love me just the same.  He will continue to tell me that i’m beautiful every day, as he does now. Getting someone to work out and lose weight should be an encouraging process, with rational reasons, and positive reinforcement. This crap about losing weight for one momentous day is useless and will not work for me.

It makes me sick to realize how motivated I was to lose weight in 2010.   It was March and I had three months to lose weight before med school graduation – which was when i was going to see my asshole ex-boyfriend and his new fiance.  He seemed to be doing well in life and I was dammed if i would let him see me continually growing horizontally, looking pathetic.  I lost the weight. I was still terribly insecure and needed to use my weight to prove that i had control in my life when i felt i had none.  To show him that i was OK without him.  Its so bizarre to me that i would not be as motivated to lose weight for my own wedding like i was for that piece of shit but the difference is clear.  I know zach loves me with all that he has, and he has a lot.  He shows me daily.  I’m not concerned about his affection, attraction, and love.  I know it’s all there.  This is the most secure i’ve ever been in a relationship.

The reason i bring this personal crap up is because I spend every day trying to convince morbidly obese people, diabetics, hypertensives, and slugs, to lose weight.  I’ve never told a patient they need to lose weight for their wedding, their graduation, or mitzvah. There’s a clear medical reason for it.  INTRAABDOMINAL FAT. It will kill you.  It will kill me. The shitty part is that it will kill me before it kills a person with hypertension. Being depressed is a hyper-stressed state that increases cortisol which by multiple metabolic pathways increases intraabdominal fat, increases my risk of diabetes, hypertension, worsening depression, heart disease, and a nasty cycle.  I shouldn’t be losing weight for my wedding.  I should be losing weight so i reduce my intraabdominal fat.  This mental mind fucking by others’ encouraging me to lose weight for my wedding is complete nonsense – i need to remind myself that my risk of diabetes and its sequelae are just as real to me as they are to my patients.  I need to keep my health as my motivator, not my wedding.  It will be fabulous to look like a million bucks in my wedding gown but it will feel better if i live 20 years longer and have that much more time to enjoy time with my zachary and our family.  The wedding is one day, that is all.

my goal for this week is to cut my WW points.  I know i’m always hungry but i think they have me on too many points.  I think i need a 1500 cal diet rather than 1800.  Worked out 2 days last week and i felt good about it.  Hopefully this week I’ll fit in one more.

And we’ve got a loss!

October 7, 2012 § 3 Comments

Went in for my weigh-in on Friday and I was DOWN 1.4 lbs!  So exciting and just what i needed after so much stress about my weight.

A few changes I made last week.

-i wasn’t able to make it to the market to meet with a nutritionist mainly because I didn’t go grocery shopping. Just didn’t have the time. For the first time I didn’t make time for food.

-I have been coffee free for almost three weeks.  I’m one of those people who likes coffee with my cream and sugar.  I keep reminding myself how terrible Starbucks regular coffee tastes. Instead I’ve been getting a Zen/Refresh and on some mornings, a tall green tea latte.  Cutting calories and avoiding the coffee jitters, replacing with antioxidants.

-breakfast substitutions. 1) thick whole wheat toast, smashed avocado, over medium eggs, Sarah’s salsa, S+P + paprika. LOVE. 2) smoothie. almond breeze almond coconut/almond milk combination, 1 cup spinach, 1 banana, 1 tsp matcha.

-I EXERCISED! 2-30 min sessions on the elliptical. I know that sounds like nothing to most, but it’s a ton for me.

It will be a good week.

First Weigh-In After a Long Hiatus

September 29, 2012 § Leave a comment

Frustrated.  After and HOUR of typing a new heartfelt post, WordPress deleted it. This will be a very abbreviated version, just enough to keep me accountable.

So i did it. I went to my first weigh-in since July 5 and the results were astonishing. False. I was not astonished. I was expecting a giant gain and I got it.

last weigh-in July 5, 2012: 174.4 lbs

Sept 28, 2012 183.2 lbs (+ 8.8 lbs)

PS it’s a big effing deal that I just listed absolute numbers.  I am obsessed with the personal value that numbers carry, from grades and board exams to my weight.  Please don’t judge me by my numbers.

This will be a better week.

Starting Over. Again.

September 26, 2012 § 5 Comments

I have a wedding dress that I have to fit my ass into in  just EIGHT short months!!!! YIKES!!!

The last time I blogged I was adamant that I had established a sound plan and that I was determined to lose weight for my wedding.  I failed.  I tried making the little “to-do” boxes that work so well for me in other aspects of my life.  They worked for a while but I got tired of working out.  It made me so tired.  What was happening?  I usually feel so good after a good work out, so why do I feel completely run down and lifeless now?  I may never know the answer, but I know I still have that awful feeling.  So long story short, I’ve actually GAINED several pounds on top of the mound that i weighed already. Makes me so unhappy.

I feel like shit. plain old shit. I feel like a failure everyday. And what’s not so interesting is that I feel like that at work, too.  Clearly, my major depression is back and this time it’s BAD.

I saw these changes in my mood, behavior, and saw that I was just falling apart.  I’m up one whole dress size and essentially back where I was when I started my weight loss journey in March of 2010.  I feel disgusting. Only failures let this happen to themselves, I thought.

I am on vacation and decided to work on the depression and spend more time reading about POSITIVITY.  In addition, my new therapist has given me an excellent book that I’ve been working through, which is chock full of life learning points that he actually reinforces in my sessions.  I know these changes take MONTHS but I’m ready to clear the fog and make way for brighter days.  I’m so tired of feeling pity, feeling angry, being a slug, feeling like a nothing, and perpetually feeling like a failure at everything I do.  I know a large part of this is my depression and another part of the proverbial pie is that i’m NOT EXERCISING.  I’m not giving myself time to clear my mind.  I’m not giving myself time to enjoy the air, wind, colors, and smells of my favorite time of year.  I’m not giving myself precious ME time. I’m spending days on my couch waiting for motivation to strike.  Motivation’s not gonna strike if I’m comfortable.  I’m breaking out of my comfortable shell.

Just yesterday I was at my wits end.  I was feeling hopeless about my lack of motivation and I reached out to a few twitter supports, and here’s the advice I got…..

Alan ‏@sweating_it_off :@MSFitMint if you want to talk it out let me know, we can Skype or google hangout or something

  @MSFitMint I know it hard, especially when feeling depressed. Often times I try no to “think” about working out I just get dressed and head out the door and hope for the best.

@MSFitMint No planned mileage or plan to run. Just walk. & if I run a little, so be it.

Susan @SuziStorm : @MSFitMint My therapist last night told me to put on my running clothes & go for a WALK.


@MSFitMint for me doing something I love (water exercise) is key! Its therapy for my body & mind!

@MSFitMint I attribute getting active to curing my lifelong depression. Activity helps your mood/mental state so much. It’s my therapy

 Sheryl Yvette ‏@bitchcakesny : @MSFitMint The toughest part is getting dressed. Srsly. Put on your clothes and start. You *will* feel better for having done it


Put on your clothes and start!!!!

That’s all I freaking need to do! I need to throw my clothes on and get out of the door.  No more dwelling about who will make dinner, how hot and sweaty I’ll get, how tired I’ll feel, how long I’ll be out and will this leave me with enough time to read for work. None of that crap has helped me.  I seriously need to get my shit together and take care of myself because no one else will.  I can’t expect health and fitness to fall into my lap, or for my depression to magically disappear.  It just won’t.

Another list of things I need to do while I’m on an easier month of residency:
1. get weighed in EVERY SATURDAY, no exceptions.  Things will change with my next rotation but that’s okay. I’ll find another day and it’s okay if I don’t go on the same day every week.  As long as I put my clothes on and show up. To keep myself accountable I will post a blog update with each weigh in, regardless of what the scale says.
2. cut out coffee.  First of all it’s disgusting. I drink it for social reasons.  I love walking into starbucks but I actually cannot tolerate the taste of their burnt coffee.  I do, however, enjoy the green tea lattes. I will get one occasionally, and allow myself to sweeten it. No more coffee. Not even from Dunkin’.
3. I really need to get dressed and walk three times per week.  I will come up with some sort of reward system for myself if i do this. Manicure, pedicure, etc, at the end of the week.
4. I really need to, and will, limit my sweets. At least one small amount per day is okay and is healthy.
5. continue tracking on weightwatchers
6. yoga or meditation at least once per week
I really think these are doable.  I wish my blog was more popular so there was more accountability to the masses, but so be it.  I need to make myself a happier, healthier person.  I can’t keep on with the incessant cycles of guilt and self pity. Time for some action.
Finally, a HUGE thank you to the twitter folks who helped me out the other day.

June Foodie Penpal

June 30, 2012 § Leave a comment

This month I got a goodie box from Tracy Carroll.  Here are a few pics of the great stuff she sent

Those mixed nuts helped me power through many nights on call last week…just a few here and there and i was set.  The lemon candies have found a place in my work bag and that clif bar is just waiting to be eaten durning my next night on call. The Bold Chex Mix was probably my favorite. I separated the pack into 1/2-cup servings at the beginning of the week. Served as a great 3-WWP+ snack. Good stuff.

And now it’s time for some details about Foodie Penpals.  In case you’re a new reader, here’s a reminder of what the program is all about:

-On the 5th of every month, you will receive your penpal pairing via email. It will be your responsibility to contact your penpal and get their mailing address and any other information you might need like allergies or dietary restrictions.
-You will have until the 15th of the month to put your box of goodies in the mail. On the last day of the month, you will post about the goodies you received from your penpal! 
-The boxes are to be filled with fun foodie things, local food items or even homemade treats! The spending limit is $15. The box must also include something written. This can be anything from a note explaining what’s in the box, to a fun recipe…use your imagination!
-You are responsible for figuring out the best way to ship your items depending on their size and how fragile they are. (Don’t forget about flat rate boxes!)
-Foodie Penpals is open to blog readers as well as bloggers. If you’re a reader and you get paired with a blogger, you are to write a short guest post for your penpal to post on their blog about what you received. If two readers are paired together, neither needs to worry about writing a post for that month. 
-Foodie Penplas is open to US & Canadian residents.  Please note, Canadian Residents will be paired with other Canadians only. We’ve determined things might get too slow and backed up if we’re trying to send foods through customs across the border from US to Canada and vice versa. 

If you’re interested in participating for July, please CLICK HERE to fill out the participation form and read the terms and conditions.

You must submit your information by July 4th as pairings will be emailed on July 5th!

*If you’re from somewhere besides the US, Canada or Europe and want to participate, send me an email and I’ll see if we get enough interest this month!